Zzzzzzz

Kim and I have been married for just over 20 years. In that time I have changed a little. I have added about 30 pounds in weight along with about twice as much hair as I had when we got married, unfortunately not on my head… One other thing that has changed is the amount, volume and general disgustingness of the nocturnal noises I make. This last change seems to be the worst because it is the only one that she is constantly bugging me about fixing. So, when I saw my dr. this week I mentioned that Kim has had quite enough of my nightly ritual. I snore loud enough to wake the dead or I just don’t breath at all. Now, I am sure that you are thinking that given Kim’s propensity to exaggerate, perhaps the problem is not really that bad. Well, when my brothers and I go on our annual UCLA trips, they have offered to put me up in my own room just so they can get some sleep. And on the Confirmation Retreat I recently attended there were many wide-eyed 14 year olds asking how I could possibly make so much noise. So it’s safe to say the problem does exist.

To appease my wife I had a sleep study done Wed. night. I showed up at a non-descript medical building in Bedford at 9:45PM, buzzed the intercom and was led to a 2nd floor office. It was kind of funny, the examination rooms were all numbered like a regular doctors office, but the rooms were carpeted with a bed, dresser, TV, and nightstands. I figured this would be an easy way to get a few good hours of sleep without a 4-year old kicking me in the back every 15 minutes. Of course, that was before the “Parade of Electrodes” started. First, 2 on each leg just below the knee to find out if I have ‘the jimmy legs’. Then two on my chest to monitor my heart, fair enough. A microphone taped to my neck for snore volume (could have told them they wouldn’t need that one!). Two, yes, two sets of those hospital nose things sticking into my nose. One electrode on my jaw to check teeth clenching, on corners of each eye for eye movement, behind ears for sleep level, top of head for something, 2 on back of head for something else, one on my chin… When she pulled all the wires back I felt like I had dreadlocks! Then of course the finger deal to check oxygen level in the blood. All this stuff plugged in to one box that she carried to the nightstand as I trailed. I felt like a cross between Frankenstein and Steve Austin (better, stronger, faster).

I get into the bed and can hardly roll over because of all the wires and the chick says, “have a good sleep” as she turns off the light and closes the door. Uh huh. It’s now about 11:00 and I’m in bed and tired, which usually means about a 45 second window of awake time, but I lay there for about 20 minutes with my head about 3 inches off the pillow because of all the wires and I can’t sleep. Great, what a waste of electrodes. I eventually get to sleep and only wake up about 12 times during the next 6 hours, yes, they woke me at 5:00!!

As she is removing all the paraphernalia from my face she says, “ You do snore.” To which I internally replied, “No #^%$, Sherlock!” She then told me I did have sleep apnea, but she couldn’t tell me the severity of it, that has to come from the doctor. She thought I was fine until about 3:00AM when I “freaked out on her”. As I went to the bathroom to change into clothes for the ride home I saw how they had kept those electrodes on my face and head. Not tape, no, they had this sticky paste stuff that was all over my face and in my hair, guess I won’t be stopping for a Diet Coke Big Gulp on the way home. I ended up getting home about 6:00AM, just in time to wake the kids, make sandwiches and hop in the shower to wash all the paste off. What a great night!