As I sit (well actually I rarely sit…part of the illness that my dear mother, Gail, passed down to my sisters and me) or clean and reflect on life, I am overwhelmed with emotion. My cup is not only FULL, but it often spews! MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, I am finding this summer that I am “pinching” myself as if to say, “Is this real…could it be THIS good?” My blessings are plentiful, be sure, but one of the most precious to me is my family. First, I had fun, silly, loving, and strict parents who laid a great foundation for me. Yes, life growing up was filled as I have shared in previous blogs with MUCH hardship and hurt, but all in all they still managed to show us the right way (and sometimes we learned it from seeing so much wrong). My mom was known on our block as the “block mom.” She loved us so much and loved being a part of every aspect of our lives. She could tenderly care for us like no other, and truly, it is ONE thing I miss so badly. Dad is silly and fun (along with mom) and loved playing and reading with us when we were young. I can remember him dressing up to come shop at our “store.” My older sister, Karen, is the single most OTHER centered woman on earth. She is SO vested in all that she loves…mainly her husand, Jay, stepson, Van, Kricky, Brad, Dawn, Brittney, Alex, Dylan, Colin, Ethan, Mike, Tod, Craig, Cole, Reeder, our pets:Ransom, Yam-Yam, Lady, Riley and finally, me. She is so intelligent and has set the standard for P.A’s from the day she graduated. Karen’s husband, Jay, is one of my closest friends. He is so funny and fun to be with! His tenderness and peacefulness create an atmosphere of “home” where you feel so comfortable. I love how he loves my sister and our entire family. My younger sister, Kristin, is the single most ACCEPTING woman on earth. She loves. PERIOD. ALL life is precious to her and it is so evident in the way she cares for her cancer patients, and all other living organisms that her life touches. (She did bring home a hurt dying cow once while we lived in Bangladesh BEGGING my mom and dad to let her keep it as her pet!) And the baby, who I tear up just thinking about, is my brother, Brad. Amazing man. The most respectful, honest, family-loving, NO FEAR man I know. He saw the most hardship growing up which makes me BEAM with pride of where and who he is today. Dawn, Brad’s wife, is so refreshing…and beautiful….in a bikini at Disney’s pool after FIVE children~sick!! She is willing to come down in the trenches with you, stay for while, commiserate, and always brings me back to remembering the good. She is a blast to be with and I love most the way in which she loves my brother and my family. In fact I cry just thinking of the way in which she tenderly loved on my mom and dad. Each one gifts me in different ways and they have become “my pillars”. These pillars stand on my foundation ~ the heavenly man I married. He is a holy man who loves God with all of himself and constantly strives to please Him in every aspect of his life. He is peaceful, patient, gentle, one of the smartest men I have ever met (kinda annoying once in a while), and strong. I have four beautiful boys who like my siblings, gift me in four different but wonderful ways. My husband’s family is equally important in my life. My father-in-law, Dick, is an incredible father…in fact he has given so much to me personally. As I entered this huge Pfaffenberger family, he took me under his wing as if I was his own. He makes me feel so loved and is such a soft place to land. My mother–in-law, Kit, is a ROCK. She, too, is so holy and so committed to bringing glory to God in all aspects of her life. She is quiet…yet LEADS this incredible family to The Light daily. She accepts me for who I am, and is always there for me. Paul, Mike’s older brother, is a saint. He is amazing. Quiet, pensive in fact, reflective, talented, nurturing, and one of the most Christ-like men I know. His wife, Maggie, is essential to me. She gets it…all of it. I feel so at home with her and love every single second I get to spend or talk with her. She is the MOST FUN and full of so much life that you CAN NOT walk away from a visit or talk with her without a smile. John, Mike’s younger brother, is hilarious, passionate, determined, and so talented. I admire his “steadfast hold” on the things he believes in. His wife, Kelly, is one of the most leveling friends I have. Her calmness is so welcoming. She gives and looks for areas in her life that she can give more. She is rooted in her faith and allows Christ to shine through her “way.” Katy, Mike’s only sister, is probably one of the most happy-go-lucky people I know. She is radiant when she smiles and is so much fun to be with. We have children in the same stages of life and she has truly been a lifesaver for me. Jack, Katy’s husband, is another amazing man. He is determined, driven, and really just a kid in an adults body! And let me just say this, there is no other MORE FUN guy to go Christmas shopping with! He LOVES it and does the unthinkable to obtain the most sought after “gadgets” for his kiddos! And finally, the baby of the Pfaff’s, Steve, is so much fun to be with. He is comfortable, and someone that anyone would feel safe to open up to. He listens, laughs, and is even willing to shed tears with you. His wife, MaryLou, is probably the NICEST woman I have ever met. She truly looks for the good in everyone and never has an unkind word to say. She lifts people up and I love spending time with her. We share a lost parent pain that has been life giving to me. She also can numb a mouth without you feeling a single twinge of pain better than anyone on the planet. There is no better dentist in the world than Dr. Pfaffenberger! So if you are close to the Carrollton area and need a dentist, go see her!
We are all made in the image of God, and I am so thankful that each time I am with family, I get a chance to see HIM in each one of them. We are all broken in some way, and perhaps that is why God’s light shines through so brightly. Most importantly, we are ALL on the same journey to wholeness.
To all of you mentioned above, I thank you for loving me, and the boys in my life the way that you do. You are the most important and beautiful people in my life. I love each of you more than I could ever effectively express in words.
To God, I thank You for blessing me with this family. Their divinity is a reflection of YOU. I pray that you will continue to guide us on this journey to You, and that you will nurture each of us with exactly what You know we need. Every single good gift I know is from You…and I thank You for gifting me. I love You.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Memory
Evidence of God’s majesty is truly all around. While visiting Paul and Maggie in Phoenix in 2000, we , of course, took the trip up to the Grand Canyon. Oh my! Just approaching the edge of the rim almost took my breath away. It was unbelievable and such a beautiful result of God’s handiwork. But, you know, you don’t have to travel anywhere to see God’s majesty. Our bodies and how it all works is another piece of evidence of God’s brilliance. Being a nursing mother three times really showed me how miraculous God was! It still amazes me when I think about it and I am so thankful I was able to feed my boys by His design.
I’m grateful, too, for the way in which He designed our brains. The memories I have are packed away ….way down deep inside….with a label of “handle with care.” It is almost like a card catalog system at the library and you can go “filing” to bring up something you did or saw or was a part of that brought such great happiness. As Mike and I approach twenty years of marriage this year, I love reflecting and remembering that day. I remember the details like it was yesterday. A beautiful rosary lay in my 50+ rose bouquet given to me by my sponsor while I was becoming Catholic, my precious mother-in-law. I remember the “Lord’s Prayer” being sung by Jim Henderson and it bringing tears to people’s eyes. I remember the song that Mike wrote me, and the music that Paul put Mike’s words to, and the lyrics that John sang Mike’s words at our wedding…..brings tears to my eyes as I type. I will always remember Mike’s prayer as we stood at Mary’s statue offering a bouquet of flowers at her feet and praying for her intercession on our behalf. The reception was just one huge mixer! Once again, a Delta Zeta and Sigma Phi Epsilon party!
Why is though that we can’t remember some of the stuff we WANT to and cannot erase some of the stuff that we would rather FORGET. I suppose that is the mystery part of God presenting itself in our brains. I cannot, and yet want to so badly, forget the way in which my mother left this world. It truly haunts me….far more often than I would like it to. Mom’s illness was a combination of so many things, and when put together really just spelled out suffering. She suffered so much, and yet at 75 lb. at best in the end fought a HUGE fight. I can not forgive myself for not being with this frail, weak woman who gave me everything she could all my life when she took her last breaths. I KNOW she was scared. And like too many times in her life, alone. That prior statement makes me physically sick. She died alone gasping for breath. It pains me to think that when Dad left that night did she want to tell him to stay but couldn’t? But then I think of Karen’s words which I know are right…Mom knew that Dad could NEVER handle witnessing her leaving this world so even IF she had had a feeling of “this was the end” she would have never had him stay. She was brave and always strong. Brave in that she was not even on an adequate amount of morphine that day…and wasn’t going to go to dialysis until the next morning….so as Jan. 16, 2006 progressed her ability to get air became harder and harder. Trust me, as my father changed pillow case after pillow case that day…with Mom literally sweating to death…there were words shared (actually I think he yelled them in the hallway). He was scared and knew that something had changed drastically. Nurses assured him over and over and truly talked him into leaving late that night. The “notes” read that they bathed mom…something she hated (and something else that I would like to forget)….and then she left this world.
I cried like it all happened today last night. It pains me to my core.
Thankfully I spend many more hours recalling the great memories. I do know that the dark moments do remind me to live each day more fully and purposely…and to cherish even more the time we have with loved ones.
I ache in missing her, my first best friend.
I love you, Mom.
I’m grateful, too, for the way in which He designed our brains. The memories I have are packed away ….way down deep inside….with a label of “handle with care.” It is almost like a card catalog system at the library and you can go “filing” to bring up something you did or saw or was a part of that brought such great happiness. As Mike and I approach twenty years of marriage this year, I love reflecting and remembering that day. I remember the details like it was yesterday. A beautiful rosary lay in my 50+ rose bouquet given to me by my sponsor while I was becoming Catholic, my precious mother-in-law. I remember the “Lord’s Prayer” being sung by Jim Henderson and it bringing tears to people’s eyes. I remember the song that Mike wrote me, and the music that Paul put Mike’s words to, and the lyrics that John sang Mike’s words at our wedding…..brings tears to my eyes as I type. I will always remember Mike’s prayer as we stood at Mary’s statue offering a bouquet of flowers at her feet and praying for her intercession on our behalf. The reception was just one huge mixer! Once again, a Delta Zeta and Sigma Phi Epsilon party!
Why is though that we can’t remember some of the stuff we WANT to and cannot erase some of the stuff that we would rather FORGET. I suppose that is the mystery part of God presenting itself in our brains. I cannot, and yet want to so badly, forget the way in which my mother left this world. It truly haunts me….far more often than I would like it to. Mom’s illness was a combination of so many things, and when put together really just spelled out suffering. She suffered so much, and yet at 75 lb. at best in the end fought a HUGE fight. I can not forgive myself for not being with this frail, weak woman who gave me everything she could all my life when she took her last breaths. I KNOW she was scared. And like too many times in her life, alone. That prior statement makes me physically sick. She died alone gasping for breath. It pains me to think that when Dad left that night did she want to tell him to stay but couldn’t? But then I think of Karen’s words which I know are right…Mom knew that Dad could NEVER handle witnessing her leaving this world so even IF she had had a feeling of “this was the end” she would have never had him stay. She was brave and always strong. Brave in that she was not even on an adequate amount of morphine that day…and wasn’t going to go to dialysis until the next morning….so as Jan. 16, 2006 progressed her ability to get air became harder and harder. Trust me, as my father changed pillow case after pillow case that day…with Mom literally sweating to death…there were words shared (actually I think he yelled them in the hallway). He was scared and knew that something had changed drastically. Nurses assured him over and over and truly talked him into leaving late that night. The “notes” read that they bathed mom…something she hated (and something else that I would like to forget)….and then she left this world.
I cried like it all happened today last night. It pains me to my core.
Thankfully I spend many more hours recalling the great memories. I do know that the dark moments do remind me to live each day more fully and purposely…and to cherish even more the time we have with loved ones.
I ache in missing her, my first best friend.
I love you, Mom.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Water
Photo by: krjacksonThere is not a more peaceful place on earth than the Ocean. Just being there brings me closer to God. It reminds me of Him. It is so powerful and enormous, yet so nurturing and tender. It cleanses, and the repetition of the waves crashing the shore “sands” our rough spots. It is so FULL of life and yet life giving. There is no better sound than the waves hitting the shore. I love to just sit in a beach lawn chair .….and feel the warm sand at my feet while sitting there eyes closed listening to the waves. God comes to us like waves too, you know? He is repetitious in offering Himself to us despite our stupid mistakes and shortcomings. He welcomes us every time we come to Him. And, He feels so good…just like the ocean! I feel so close to Him there. I LOVE the beach. It is no wonder that my mom wanted to be finally rested there. I am so thankful to God and my brother, Brad, and his family for taking my boys and I to the beach this summer. It was an amazing time and it touched me in ways that words could never effectively describe. I wish Mike had had vacation time to join us for this part of the trip. Thankfully God brought me a man who loves the water as much as or maybe even more than me. I learned that it had been way too long since I had been there, and that it won’t be long before I come back.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Confidence
Funny thing, that. Where does it come from? Where does it go? Why do so many people who shouldn’t have it, have it? Why is it some who should, don’t? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It reminds me of a passage from an old Robert Fulghum book. (He’s the “Everything You Need To Know You Learned In Kindergarten” guy.) He says in Kindergarten everyone is a great painter, everyone can dance and play music. It’s only as we grow older and compare our gifts to other peoples that we start to feel less confident of our abilities.
I have confidence in a whole lot of people. I am confident that Kim will do everything in her power to help a friend or protect her family. I am confident that I have friends that would drop everything to help me. I am confident my brothers will vote Republican. I am confident in my parents love. The only problem is when I look in the mirror the confidence fades. I’m not sure why. I battle this a lot and Kim is a pillar of support to keep me from letting it go too far, but it nags. I think it comes down to this. I am confident in my God-given gifts, but not in my ability to use them. Part of it may be an “Impostor Syndrome” thing (Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt.) Part of it may be my semi-dysthymia (form of depression-poor self-image, indecisiveness)(Taking medication)(It’s a whole family thing, don’t get me started!). Anyway, whatever it is, it sucks. But God knew what he was doing when he gave me the family, friends and wife that he did.
This isn’t a Mike pity party, just how I’m feeling. Awhile back Tod mentioned that I only blog about the good stuff, not the fights and problems. I kinda felt that everyone had their own problems and didn’t need to hear about mine. Plus, getting me to talk about this kind of stuff is harder than pulling teeth. But, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, there it is. And you know, just writing it down makes me feel more confident. Thanks.
I have confidence in a whole lot of people. I am confident that Kim will do everything in her power to help a friend or protect her family. I am confident that I have friends that would drop everything to help me. I am confident my brothers will vote Republican. I am confident in my parents love. The only problem is when I look in the mirror the confidence fades. I’m not sure why. I battle this a lot and Kim is a pillar of support to keep me from letting it go too far, but it nags. I think it comes down to this. I am confident in my God-given gifts, but not in my ability to use them. Part of it may be an “Impostor Syndrome” thing (Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt.) Part of it may be my semi-dysthymia (form of depression-poor self-image, indecisiveness)(Taking medication)(It’s a whole family thing, don’t get me started!). Anyway, whatever it is, it sucks. But God knew what he was doing when he gave me the family, friends and wife that he did.
This isn’t a Mike pity party, just how I’m feeling. Awhile back Tod mentioned that I only blog about the good stuff, not the fights and problems. I kinda felt that everyone had their own problems and didn’t need to hear about mine. Plus, getting me to talk about this kind of stuff is harder than pulling teeth. But, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, there it is. And you know, just writing it down makes me feel more confident. Thanks.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Home
Everyone made it back safe and sound and my world is complete again. This week was VBS which kept us on our toes, but this weekend should be a good time to chillax. (Yeah, I'm so hip.)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Alone
They're coming home tomorrow!! I returned from our Disney trip on Monday but the rest of the family stayed in Florida to visit with Kim's family for a few more days. Being alone is pretty cool. For about a day. That's enough time to watch whatever I want on TV, leave dirty clothes on the floor without hearing about it, eat an entire i Fratelli pizza by myself and read in total quiet any time I want. I have completed all that and cannot wait to have them home. A little alone time is necessary, too much is just lonely. Now don't get me wrong, I played golf, went to the lake, sat in a hot tub, basically did lots of cool "alone" things while they were gone, and they were all great. Once. I can't imagine my life without the noise and movement that is my family. I think having spent an amazing 4 days in Florida before having to leave makes it worse, I wanted it to continue. Oh well, such is life. Hopefully this gave Tod a great memory of his last vacation before going off the school, and Craig the memory of riding the scary rides, and Cole the memory of a night at the Magic Kingdom, just he and dad, and Reed, the memory of the "first time" at Disney. I know it gave Kim and me memories for a life time. A lifetime that will all too soon be quiet enough to read a book any time I want...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
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