Funny thing, that. Where does it come from? Where does it go? Why do so many people who shouldn’t have it, have it? Why is it some who should, don’t? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It reminds me of a passage from an old Robert Fulghum book. (He’s the “Everything You Need To Know You Learned In Kindergarten” guy.) He says in Kindergarten everyone is a great painter, everyone can dance and play music. It’s only as we grow older and compare our gifts to other peoples that we start to feel less confident of our abilities.
I have confidence in a whole lot of people. I am confident that Kim will do everything in her power to help a friend or protect her family. I am confident that I have friends that would drop everything to help me. I am confident my brothers will vote Republican. I am confident in my parents love. The only problem is when I look in the mirror the confidence fades. I’m not sure why. I battle this a lot and Kim is a pillar of support to keep me from letting it go too far, but it nags. I think it comes down to this. I am confident in my God-given gifts, but not in my ability to use them. Part of it may be an “Impostor Syndrome” thing (Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt.) Part of it may be my semi-dysthymia (form of depression-poor self-image, indecisiveness)(Taking medication)(It’s a whole family thing, don’t get me started!). Anyway, whatever it is, it sucks. But God knew what he was doing when he gave me the family, friends and wife that he did.
This isn’t a Mike pity party, just how I’m feeling. Awhile back Tod mentioned that I only blog about the good stuff, not the fights and problems. I kinda felt that everyone had their own problems and didn’t need to hear about mine. Plus, getting me to talk about this kind of stuff is harder than pulling teeth. But, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, there it is. And you know, just writing it down makes me feel more confident. Thanks.
2 comments:
It's funny, it seems almost human nature/natural to have self-doubt. But no matter what, what we see in the mirror is a skewed image of ourselves at best. And we are our own worst self critics, right?
No matter what you think of you, though, you're alright in my book :)
And I love you just the way you are...
xoxo
Brother....you are so much a part of my "foundation" in this life...a million reasons not to EVER doubt yourself. You can't believe how much others, especially me, depend on your unbelievable quick wit, your calming force in the JACKSON drama....heck, what "ride" next?! and taking such great care of my sister and my treasured nephews. I'm pretty sure you don't hear enough (as NONE of us do) all the things you do so very well and how important you are to so many people. You set the bar more than you know....I love you Mike!! Take down the mirrors and just look for the reflection of yourself in the faces and ways of your family. Pretty sure you'll be beaming with self pride.
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