Evidence of God’s majesty is truly all around. While visiting Paul and Maggie in Phoenix in 2000, we , of course, took the trip up to the Grand Canyon. Oh my! Just approaching the edge of the rim almost took my breath away. It was unbelievable and such a beautiful result of God’s handiwork. But, you know, you don’t have to travel anywhere to see God’s majesty. Our bodies and how it all works is another piece of evidence of God’s brilliance. Being a nursing mother three times really showed me how miraculous God was! It still amazes me when I think about it and I am so thankful I was able to feed my boys by His design.
I’m grateful, too, for the way in which He designed our brains. The memories I have are packed away ….way down deep inside….with a label of “handle with care.” It is almost like a card catalog system at the library and you can go “filing” to bring up something you did or saw or was a part of that brought such great happiness. As Mike and I approach twenty years of marriage this year, I love reflecting and remembering that day. I remember the details like it was yesterday. A beautiful rosary lay in my 50+ rose bouquet given to me by my sponsor while I was becoming Catholic, my precious mother-in-law. I remember the “Lord’s Prayer” being sung by Jim Henderson and it bringing tears to people’s eyes. I remember the song that Mike wrote me, and the music that Paul put Mike’s words to, and the lyrics that John sang Mike’s words at our wedding…..brings tears to my eyes as I type. I will always remember Mike’s prayer as we stood at Mary’s statue offering a bouquet of flowers at her feet and praying for her intercession on our behalf. The reception was just one huge mixer! Once again, a Delta Zeta and Sigma Phi Epsilon party!
Why is though that we can’t remember some of the stuff we WANT to and cannot erase some of the stuff that we would rather FORGET. I suppose that is the mystery part of God presenting itself in our brains. I cannot, and yet want to so badly, forget the way in which my mother left this world. It truly haunts me….far more often than I would like it to. Mom’s illness was a combination of so many things, and when put together really just spelled out suffering. She suffered so much, and yet at 75 lb. at best in the end fought a HUGE fight. I can not forgive myself for not being with this frail, weak woman who gave me everything she could all my life when she took her last breaths. I KNOW she was scared. And like too many times in her life, alone. That prior statement makes me physically sick. She died alone gasping for breath. It pains me to think that when Dad left that night did she want to tell him to stay but couldn’t? But then I think of Karen’s words which I know are right…Mom knew that Dad could NEVER handle witnessing her leaving this world so even IF she had had a feeling of “this was the end” she would have never had him stay. She was brave and always strong. Brave in that she was not even on an adequate amount of morphine that day…and wasn’t going to go to dialysis until the next morning….so as Jan. 16, 2006 progressed her ability to get air became harder and harder. Trust me, as my father changed pillow case after pillow case that day…with Mom literally sweating to death…there were words shared (actually I think he yelled them in the hallway). He was scared and knew that something had changed drastically. Nurses assured him over and over and truly talked him into leaving late that night. The “notes” read that they bathed mom…something she hated (and something else that I would like to forget)….and then she left this world.
I cried like it all happened today last night. It pains me to my core.
Thankfully I spend many more hours recalling the great memories. I do know that the dark moments do remind me to live each day more fully and purposely…and to cherish even more the time we have with loved ones.
I ache in missing her, my first best friend.
I love you, Mom.
I’m grateful, too, for the way in which He designed our brains. The memories I have are packed away ….way down deep inside….with a label of “handle with care.” It is almost like a card catalog system at the library and you can go “filing” to bring up something you did or saw or was a part of that brought such great happiness. As Mike and I approach twenty years of marriage this year, I love reflecting and remembering that day. I remember the details like it was yesterday. A beautiful rosary lay in my 50+ rose bouquet given to me by my sponsor while I was becoming Catholic, my precious mother-in-law. I remember the “Lord’s Prayer” being sung by Jim Henderson and it bringing tears to people’s eyes. I remember the song that Mike wrote me, and the music that Paul put Mike’s words to, and the lyrics that John sang Mike’s words at our wedding…..brings tears to my eyes as I type. I will always remember Mike’s prayer as we stood at Mary’s statue offering a bouquet of flowers at her feet and praying for her intercession on our behalf. The reception was just one huge mixer! Once again, a Delta Zeta and Sigma Phi Epsilon party!
Why is though that we can’t remember some of the stuff we WANT to and cannot erase some of the stuff that we would rather FORGET. I suppose that is the mystery part of God presenting itself in our brains. I cannot, and yet want to so badly, forget the way in which my mother left this world. It truly haunts me….far more often than I would like it to. Mom’s illness was a combination of so many things, and when put together really just spelled out suffering. She suffered so much, and yet at 75 lb. at best in the end fought a HUGE fight. I can not forgive myself for not being with this frail, weak woman who gave me everything she could all my life when she took her last breaths. I KNOW she was scared. And like too many times in her life, alone. That prior statement makes me physically sick. She died alone gasping for breath. It pains me to think that when Dad left that night did she want to tell him to stay but couldn’t? But then I think of Karen’s words which I know are right…Mom knew that Dad could NEVER handle witnessing her leaving this world so even IF she had had a feeling of “this was the end” she would have never had him stay. She was brave and always strong. Brave in that she was not even on an adequate amount of morphine that day…and wasn’t going to go to dialysis until the next morning….so as Jan. 16, 2006 progressed her ability to get air became harder and harder. Trust me, as my father changed pillow case after pillow case that day…with Mom literally sweating to death…there were words shared (actually I think he yelled them in the hallway). He was scared and knew that something had changed drastically. Nurses assured him over and over and truly talked him into leaving late that night. The “notes” read that they bathed mom…something she hated (and something else that I would like to forget)….and then she left this world.
I cried like it all happened today last night. It pains me to my core.
Thankfully I spend many more hours recalling the great memories. I do know that the dark moments do remind me to live each day more fully and purposely…and to cherish even more the time we have with loved ones.
I ache in missing her, my first best friend.
I love you, Mom.
2 comments:
oh kim. what sweet, sweet words about your mom. what a true legacy she has left her family with. it pains me to read your words about her last days. i remember how much you struggled not being with her. but, just think - what a glorious place that she is in right now! no pain, no hurts, no fears, and she will NEVER be alone ever again!
you have such a sweet husband to write you a song on your wedding day. i have never heard that story. it makes me smile to think about you celebrating 20 years! what an amazing 20 years and 4 fantastic boys as a result. you and mike are a true testament to rhett and i. we can't wait to celebrate 20 years too! only 15 more to go! :)
i miss you! let's get together before school starts!
I can barely type through my tears. I am dumbfounded, absolutely in shock. I JUST wrote to Brother Placid about this night, JUST 2 days ago. I have been thinking of it over and over, and like you, it's almost as though I can't think of that ONE decision that I could have made differently, to get in my car and GO RIGHT THEN. WHY?? I will never understand what held me back except that the nurses said to come in the morning, and sent dad home. Even though my gut knew... I didn't listen. I was afraid. I was weak.
And I'm certain i'll never forgive myself for that.
how I wish i were with you so we could remember her together and bring back the best days. but it's that final day that's the hardest, and the most prominent in my memory too.
love you kimmy ann. we'll see her one day again...
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